How I Do It: Ask For Help

The question I hear most often is this, “How do you do it? How do you manage five kids, homeschooling, and your writing?”

Lately, I’ve been sharing some of my secrets for how I do it. In one post, I shared about the need to ease into more responsibility (versus jumping in too deep at the start). In the last post, I talked about the importance of living intentionally, but also giving ourselves breathing room.

Today, I’m going to share another trick I have for managing all of my responsibilities. Here it is: I don’t manage everything. At least not by myself.

I have help.

No. I don’t have a live-in nanny. And no, I don’t have a full time maid—although I’d love for someone to bequeath one or the other to me in their will! And actually while they’re bequeathing, I wouldn’t mind a a chauffeur to drive my kids to all of their activities and a full time chef to prepare something besides frozen waffles and boxed mac & cheese.

Alas, I have none of the above. I’m the nanny, maid, chauffeur, and chef all wrapped into one—in addition to being a full time teacher and writer.

The reality is that I can’t do each of the jobs and do them well. I just can’t. Believe me, I’ve tried. And I’ve failed.

Although I’m independent and have a difficult time asking for help, over the years I’ve learned that I need support if I’m going to succeed. I’ve also learned that help can come in many different shapes and sizes, but that I can’t be afraid to ask for it.

We need support if we’re going to succeed.

We all need to surround ourselves with people who believe in us and what we’re doing. For example, in the ten years I’ve been homeschooling, I’ve become close to a group of women who are all going through the same challenges that come with home-teaching. Without their support, commiserating, and sharing of ideas, I likely would have quit long ago.
 
Same with my writing. If I didn’t have family and other writers who encouraged and believed in me, I’d have a difficult time withstanding the pressures and the criticism that come. Because they do come. There will always be people in our lives who don’t understand the things that are important to us, who think we should be doing something different, or who will point out the negatives.

Help comes in different shapes and sizes.

Over the past several years, my help has come in a variety of ways. First, I’ve enlisted the support of my husband. Since I gladly and willingly support him in his work, I only asked that he do the same for me. While it’s taken some time and plenty of conversations, we’re both learning to work together as a team in handling the many responsibilities of running a large family. In other words, he helps clean, runs errands, and even cooks some of the meals, so that the work is more manageable for both of us.

Second, I’ve worked at training my children to pitch in and help. In recent years, my older children (14 & 12) can handle more chores around the house. They do things like mow the lawn, fold & put away laundry, and meal preparation. I’ve even paid them to help watch my younger two children so that I can have more concentrated writing time.

My point is that, we often have more help at our fingertips than we realize. Which brings me to the next point . . .

We can’t be afraid (or ashamed) to ask for help.

We need to have open communication—especially with our families—about our desire for help. Sometimes it takes time for them to understand our passions, dreams, and subsequent needs, and we’ll have to patiently educate them. However, they won’t ever know what our needs are unless we actually have those conversations.

When I’ve opened up with friends about some of my scheduling struggles, they’ve gone out of their way to help me—particularly with the transporting of my kids to various activities. I’ve begun to realize that my friends and family want to help, but that they won’t know what I need unless I ask.

My Summary: So there you have it. Another one of the secrets of how I manage—I enlist the support and help of those around me. The bottom line is that we need each other. We can mutually edify and support one another. And in doing so lighten the burden’s we all have.

How about you? Do you try to handle too much on your own? Is it difficult for you to accept help? Or are you learning to share your needs and gain the support of those around you?

P.S. The winner of this week's signed copy of The Doctor's Lady is Carol Moncado. Congratulations, Carol! Remember, if you didn't win, there will still be LOTS & LOTS of opportunities to win a copy of my book during my blog tour! Check out my News & Events Page for all of the stops!

How I do It: Live Intentionally But With Breathing Space

The months of August and September are crazy busy for me—both personally as well as in my writing life.

As you know, I’m gearing up for the release of my second book, The Doctor’s Lady on Sept 1st. I’m not under any delusion about the difficulty I’ll face in promoting my book. Today’s publishing industry is exploding with new authors but is constantly shrinking in shelf space which means I need to do whatever I can to market my book and help it stand out from the masses.

Among many things, I’m attempting a blog tour. Although I had quite a number of interviews for my debut book, I'm currently planning an official, established schedule with lots of unique and fun appearances, an epic contest, and tons of book giveaways. I’m really excited about all of the upcoming events.

But . . . I’ve had to spend an enormous amount of time planning for the tour as well as writing the awesome guest posts and interview questions for participants. In addition, I’m trying to keep up with my own blog and have recently started the first draft of a new book. Not to mention emails and social media . . . Then there’s my local book signing and the national writers’ conference I’m attending in mid-September.

I’m sure you get my point. My writing life (like many of yours) is filled to overflowing. Then there’s also real life with three birthdays in the next two weeks and the start of school (among other things). But I won’t bore you with all those busy details!

How do I do it? How can a person hope to keep up with all that needs to be done without getting buried? Is it even possible?

Last week I talked about easing into more as one of the ways I’ve learned to manage many responsibilities. Another way I manage is by living intentionally.

When I think about the periods in my life when I’m not living intentionally, those are the times when I allow myself to be swept along by my moods or the urgency of activities. I float from one thing to another, without seeing any real progress. I don’t have any focus, I’m easily distracted, and I spend way too much time on social media instead of doing things that really matter. Usually I end up frustrated and irritable.

On the other hand, when I decide I need to buckle down and get intentional, I’m always much more satisfied and productive. The dictionary defines intention as: a determination to act in a certain way. We resolve ahead of time what we're going to do, and then we do it. We're purposeful, make plans, and carry them through.

Yes, I accomplish more when I'm living intentionally. But I’m not an ultra-planner. I don’t have monthly, yearly, or 5 year goals (at least not written down). I don’t schedule out each hour of my day in a calendar (not that there’s anything wrong with doing that).

In other words, we don’t have to go from one extreme—complete disorganization with our goals and time—to the other extreme—planning out every second of our lives. We will probably only frustrate ourselves with unrealistic expectations if we do.

Instead, we can find a middle ground, one where we live intentionally, but still give ourselves breathing space. Here are just a few things I do to be intentional but not fanatical about my writing responsibilities:

• In the mornings, I take stock of my upcoming day and try to determine where I can block in a chunk of writing time for my WIP (work-in-progress).

• When I’m writing a first draft, I give myself the goal of 1000 words a day (6 days a week), but if I fall short one day, I simply try to make up the words by the end of the week.

• During my designated WIP writing time, I turn off email notifications, Tweetdeck, and anything else that might distract me. And I only allow myself to check it halfway through my time, and then only briefly.

• I write my blog posts a week ahead, usually on the three different weekdays that I have the most work time so that I don’t have to sacrifice WIP writing time.

• I give myself the weekly goal of trying to write one or two interviews as well as edit and return those I did the week before.

• When I start to fall short, or get off focus, I stop, take stock of the situation, and try to look at what I need to do differently to make it work.

The point is—I have to give myself some weekly and daily goals, or I probably will wander aimlessly. I want to approach my work, my family, my life with intentionality. I don’t want to look back some day on how I lived (or my writing career) and have regrets.

But at the same time I don’t want to turn into a robot. I don’t want to burden myself so much with planning and schedules and goals that I forget to enjoy breathing, and meandering, and detouring.

How about you? Are you living intentionally enough? What kinds of things do you do in your writing and life to be intentional? Do you need to give yourself a little more breathing room?

P.S. The winner of this week's signed copy of The Doctor's Lady is Sara! Congratulations, Sara! And thank you to everyone for playing along!! Come back next week for one more Trivia Question & one more chance to win!

How I Do It: Ease Into More Responsibility

When my twins were babies, I loved dressing them in matching outfits. I’d stick bows in their hair and make cute ponytails that stood straight up on the tops of their heads. When I’d take them out in the double stroller, people would always stop to admire them.

I could never figure out why people asked, “Are they girls or boys?” I wanted to say, “Why in the world would I dress them in pink and put bows in their hair if they’re boys?” But of course, I was always polite.

Yes, there were admirers I wanted to escort over to the Pearle Vision Store. But then, on the flip side, there were plenty who saw the enormity of my situation—especially because I also had my two-year old son tagging along. They would say, “You’ve got your hands full, don’t you?”

And, when I look back to those days of managing twin babies and an active two year old, I get dizzy thinking about how much work it was! At one point, with three children under two years of age, changing diapers was a full time job.

Somehow through all the craziness, I survived. I even went on to have two more children. And now, whenever I go anywhere with my whole gang, invariably someone will say, “How do you handle five children?”

When they find out that not only do I have five kids, but that I homeschool AND am a full time writer, their incredulous tone rises in pitch as they stammer, “What? How can you possibly do all of that?”

So, how does one manage multiple responsibilities? (Without going crazy?)

It’s not easy. I’m the first to admit it. I won’t pretend my life is bliss.

But managing multiple responsibilities is NOT an impossibility. One of the lessons I’ve learned about juggling a lot of different demands is this: We have to ease our way in to more.

Here’s what I mean:

1. Start at the beginning.

I didn’t start with five kids all at once. I began with one. Over the first couple of years, I became comfortable learning how to be a mom to one child. When I became confident and efficient with him, only then did I think about adding another. I’d learned the ropes and was ready for more responsibility.

And I didn’t start with a big house full of possessions. When I was first married, we lived in an tiny apartment with mismatched used furniture. Eventually we accumulated more stuff and moved to a very small starter home. Only when we were more established did we think about buying a larger home that could accommodate our growing family.

My point is that in whatever we’re doing, we need to start at the beginning. It’s easy to look at those who have more, do more, or are further along than we are, and to think we need to be like them. In those situations, we need to remember that once upon a time, they too had to start at the beginning.

2. Move forward in small increments.

The first year I was married, I could hardly boil water without burning it. And yet, for my first Thanksgiving I attempted a huge dinner for my brother and a friend. Guess how it turned out?

You’re right. It was a disaster! I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. In the end, I had to saw half-frozen meat off the carcass and cook the slabs in the microwave. We ended up having a few scarce pieces of rubbery turkey with our lukewarm and gravy-less mashed potatoes.

Now after twenty years of marriage, thankfully, I can whip a large Thanksgiving meal together with no problem. But it’s taken years and years of growing in cooking skills to get to the point of being able to do that.

We can’t skip over all of the valuable steps that come in the learning process. We have to take each baby step in progression. And we shouldn’t expect to handle the work of a seasoned veteran if we’re not one.

3. Let the new responsibilities challenge us to grow.

Over the years, I’ve had to adjust with each new responsibility. I’ve had to make sacrifices, stop certain hobbies, or let go of activities to make room in my life for the additions.

There are times when we add more responsibility to our lives that we’ll have to let go of something else. We can’t keep adding and adding without taking other things away—or else we’ll get to the point where we’ve crammed too much in and are ready to break.

However, if we gradually add more, we can stretch ourselves a little bit with each new responsibility. Our hearts, minds, and bodies will slowly grow stronger and better able to cope with the weight and pressures of what we’re adding.

Summary: There you have it! Ease your way into more—one of my secrets for how I manage multiple responsibilities. Of course, there are many other “tricks” I’ve learned over the years. But I’ll save those for another day!

How about you? Have you ever thought of the concept of easing your way in to more? Or have you tried to tackle too much too soon?

And the winner of Trivia Question #1 is Lynn L. Hall!  She wins a signed copy of The Doctor's Lady! Congratulations! And thank you to everyone who entered the drawing! Come back next week for another chance to win!