Sometimes WHO You Know Can Help You Advance

By Jody Hedlund, @JodyHedlund

If you're like me, you'd like to believe that we have the ability to forge our own way and make our own success on talent and hard work alone. We hate when we hear stories about people who make it to the top on the coattails of someone else, because of WHO they know, rather than WHAT they do.

Such instances seem completely unfair. Why should others get to bypass honing their talent and forgo hard work? Why should they get to fly to the summit rather than having to make the steep uphill climb like the rest of us?

I'm the first to say that talent and hard work are the building blocks of success. If you don't have a least a modicum of natural ability and aren't willing to work hard, then it isn't going to matter who you know and the doors they open for you. If you don't have a well-written book or a excellently told story, no one will care.

Let me say it again. Working hard, learning all you can, writing prolifically, and honing your talents are the KEYS to success for any writer.

But . . . sometimes WHO you know can help you advance, at least advance a little faster.

Over the years, I've developed many friendships with a wide variety of people in the publishing industry. And I've benefited from those relationships in MANY ways.

Obviously, it goes without saying (but I'm saying it anyway), that it's completely selfish and unprofessional to develop a friendship for the sole purpose of what you can get out of the relationship. Whether in a marriage, business partnership, or casual friendship, it never works (or at least for very long), when one person is doing all the giving and the other all the taking.

We can't seek out others to suck them dry. Any healthy relationship has to have mutual respect with clear boundaries.

All that to say, if we're seeking out relationships in the industry solely for the purpose of building our career, eventually that will backfire, people will sense our motivation, and we'll find ourselves alone and disillusioned.

However, if we're working at building mutually beneficial relationships, we will indeed find that those relationships can help us in many ways.

Here are just a few of those ways:

1. Relationships can open the door for critique partnerships.

All of my critiquing relationships have come out of friendships that I've developed. After a time of getting to know people, it's much easier to evaluate potential critique partners–their skill level, work ethic, genre knowledge, and reliability. A partnership that evolves naturally will probably be more trustworthy than one that comes out of a cold call.

2. Friends can offer important advice.

This is one of the areas I most appreciate about friendships. I've recently had to turn to veteran writers for advice on changing agents. And I've been so grateful to already have connections in place with wise authors I respect. They were able to counsel and encourage me through the tough decision. I'm grateful to have friends I can turn to in times of need. And I hope that I can be there for other writers too.

3. Sometimes friends can give us referrals.

I would NEVER encourage anyone to befriend someone for the purpose of asking for a referral either to an agent or publisher. I think most authors take the same position as me–I won't refer anyone unless I have the opportunity to evaluate their book. The sad fact is, I rarely have the time to read and evaluate for friends.

And the other issue with agreeing to read and possibly refer, is that it puts me in an awkward position of having to judge someone else's work. If a writer is clearly not ready for publication, then I have to bear the bad news. So most of the time, I avoid putting myself and others in that kind of predicament by simply steering clear of reading for referral purposes.

But on occasion, referrals can happen. I do make them. And friends have made them for me (in fact a friend recently referred me to her agent). But it's not something anyone does lightly.

4. Friends are more likely to offer endorsements.

I'm regularly asked to read books for endorsement purposes. While I consider it a great honor with each request, I also can't read every book of every person who asks for an endorsement. I'm MUCH more likely to agree to read the book of a friend rather than an acquaintance or stranger.

5. Relationships can provide new and important social media opportunities.

I've found that my friendships and acquaintances have led to many social media opportunities that I wouldn't have had if I'd stayed a hermit and holed away in my writing cave. I've been asked to guest blog, have been interviewed, had important book reviews, and have linked with fantastic promotional opportunities–all because of various connections I've made with people. I haven't necessarily sought those opportunities out. But they usually came as a result of being active and developing relationships with others.

My Summary: We can never skimp on working hard, learning, and always writing, writing, writing. But . . . in the process, we can't forget that we need each other too.

How about you? In what ways have you benefited from friendships with other writers? Do you think there's a right or wrong way of going about developing relationships?

Making Friends Without Making Them Feel Used

We hear a lot these days about the need to build a team (or tribe) that can help us in our quest for publication. As I recently said in this post How To Drive Yourself Crazy as a Writer, writing a book might be a solitary endeavor, but the road beyond that is not.

In the changing publication climate, we need each other now more than ever for things like editing, marketing, encouragement, instruction, advice, etc.

Now, with two published books out there, I’ve come to realize just how important a role my connections have played in achieving success. Influencers, reviewers, online friends, and blog readers, have been some of my biggest supporters.

For example, Lydia Sharp said this in an email: "A co-worker of mine just finished reading The Preacher's Bride (on my recommendation) and said she loved it! I also gave my copy of The Doctor's Lady to a different co-worker/friend . . . These ladies are not writers, just readers, and I was talking about your books (at different times to each of them) . . . neither one of them had heard of you before I mentioned your books. So it looks like you got some new fans!"

I could list example after example of other online friends who have done the same thing as Lydia—passed along the word about my book to the people in their circle of influence whether online or off. I’m absolutely thrilled and incredibly grateful for the outpouring of support and the friendships that I’ve been able to make.

But how does a writer gain those kinds of connections? Like me, you’ve probably run into people online that you thought held out the hand of friendship. But it didn’t take long before their spam and requests made you feel used, as if you were just another pawn in their effort to play the publishing game.

As we strive to build a wider online presence, how can we make friends without making them feel used? Here are some principles I’ve tried to live by in my online interactions:

1. Form connections early in your publishing journey. I always encourage beginning writers to spend the majority of their time learning and growing as writers. But I also don’t advocate waiting until right before publication before jumping into social media and attempting to make connections.

2. Show genuine interest in other people. Yes, numbers matter (to a degree). But let’s never lose sight of the fact that every name and face we come across belongs to another human being with real joys and sorrows just like ours. They have dreams and aspirations, families and pets, and health issues and stressors the same as we do. They are more than just another number to help us rise higher and instead deserve our respect and basic consideration.

3. Ask for little. I rarely ask any of my friends for favors. For example, I don’t ask for guest blog posts, book reviews, retweets, or any other help promoting my books. On a couple of occasions, I’ve put out the word that I’d needed volunteers. And in those cases, online friends could email me if they wanted to participate in a blog tour or influencing for a book.

However, the large majority of support I receive from friends is freely given without any cajoling, spamming, or pleading on my part. In fact, I’m honored that people come to me on a regular basis and ask for interviews or guest posts.

But, you may be asking, how do you get to the point where people ask how THEY can help YOU and not the other way around? (See the next point.)

4. Give a lot. Become known as a giver in the writing community. But also make sure to give without strings attached. A surefire way to lose friends is to do something nice but then turn around and ask for a favor in return.

There are countless ways to give: encouragement, blog advice, retweets, reviews, etc. I’m continually amazed by the many generous writers I meet on the internet. They’re the kind of people that I want to rally behind and see succeed, not because they’ve asked me to, but because I’ve grown to respect and admire them.

Summary: The bottom line is this: To have friends, you have to be a friend--especially the kind of friend worth having. That’s the way it works in real life. And that’s the way it works on the internet too.

What about you? Have you ever made an online friend only to later feel used by that person? What are some ways you've had success making online friends?

How Genuine Are Online Friendships?

As writers we often hear the need to build connections, particularly online. Those relationships can help form the foundation of our marketing Team or Tribe—a group of friends who support and encourage our writing endeavors.

But how genuine are those online connections? I mean, really, how well can you get to know someone through 140-character tweets or sporadic blog comments? Are such relationships authentic? Or are they merely a phantom of real life friendships?

I posed the question over on my facebook page last week. I asked, “Do you consider the friendships you've made ONLINE to be as genuine as REAL LIFE friendships? Why or why not?”

The responses ranged from emphatic YES to absolute NO. Here’s just a sampling (feel free to read the rest of the comments here.):

• Elizabeth Flora Ross: Absolutely! In fact, I have dropped the "online" label and simply refer to the people I have connected with online as friends. They are as supportive to me as my "real life" friends, and mean as much. And, in many cases, they know even more about me.

• Author Jessica Bell: Some of mine are actually BETTER. I think because none of my real life friend understand my writing obsession.

• Jenny Lee Sulpizio: This is a tough one. I think developing online relationships is harder than in person. Connections are made but if not kept up, or worked upon, are easily lost.

• Erma Brown: No, the people you meet on face book you really don't know, they could be telling you lies and how would you know. With your true friends you know them warts and all.

In reading all the comments, I came to several conclusions:

1. We can find an enormous amount of support online from others in the same situation.

Whether cancer survivors, new moms, writers, or whatever our situation—when we link up with others who are going through a similar experience, we’re likely to find mutual support and encouragement.

As much as I love my real life friends, most of them aren’t writers and don’t understand what’s involved in my writing career. In fact, when I’m together with real life friends, we talk about ordinary things like our kids, school, and house projects. Many of them don’t grasp the significance of what I’m doing or accomplishing (even now that I’m published) and that’s okay. I don’t expect them to “get it.”

However, I need people in my life who don’t mind if I talk about my writing, who understand how hard the journey is, and who can relate to the highs and the lows. Thanks to the internet, I’ve been able to connect with those kinds of writers. And over time, many of those friends have come to understand and support me better than real life friends.

So yes, the internet provides connections that aren’t always possible in real life. But . . .

2. We may need to use extra discernment for online friendships.

While the possibilities for forming online friendships can be very beneficial, I believe we need to use caution too. It’s easy to hide behind our screens and only give people glimpses into our lives—sometimes even a false picture of who we really are. We can hide our warts (as Erma said above).

Of course, we can put on facades for our real life friends too. But when we’re online we have more control. We can choose what to reveal, to whom, and how much—which isn’t always possible in real life.

I’m not saying we should dump our personal garbage in cyberland for all the world to see. But I do think we should attempt to be as real as possible. If you were to meet an online friend for the first time, would your online persona match who you are in real life? Would your friends feel like they’re meeting a total stranger or would they feel like they already know you?

3. Whether online or real life, friendships take work.

It’s just not possible to form close relationships with everyone we meet online, especially as we’re broadening our web presence. We’ll spread ourselves too thin and stress ourselves out trying to keep up. We can (and should) remain friendly to everyone, encourage others, reach out, and be a blessing to those we come across.

But, we all need a smaller cluster of friends that we can relate to on a more intimate basis. For many writers, that group usually ends up being their critique partners.

Like any friendship, there has to be a mutual give and take to grow closer. Essentially, we have to be the kind of friend we want in return.

What about you? Do you consider your online friendships to be as genuine as real life? Why or why not? I’d love to hear more of your thoughts on this issue!